Encountering

Have you ever been in a situation that makes you hard to decide on something? Too much hesitation revolves around and the decision i'd have to make would perhaps be a regretful one ?

I'm definitely undergoing this at this period of time.

How could i possibly be liking so many guys all in one go. How was it that it came to a point of myself  developing such feelings. I would want to believe in myself that i am eventually is infatuated but i'm coming to terms that it'll go away. I hope it does but i hope it don't. I really wish that either one of them would at least notice me.

At times, i don't really quite understand myself too.
There's a saying "why are you looking so far but yet there's a gem that has been there all awhile".

Don't ask me but i literally did.

The first relationship i had didn't last long. It wasn't even 2 months. I know that i am exaggerating but i'm putting myself in defense. I'm 20 but yet his 19. He's good. Way too good. He's pretty much of someone that loves his mother and would even prioritize his family but he has to learn to be independent. I have to say, for every time he tells me story, it's definitely about his mother. As a girl, i'm looking for an independent man - who would love and even take care of his mother but not to the extent that every little thing his mom has to take care of him when he's already a grown up! One thing about him is that he's religious and that's a good thing. I'm talking about his ability as a man. Let me summarize this; he's still immature because i don't feel like i was his girlfriend. He made me felt as if i was his maid or so like a mother and probably a big sister. That's so not cool in a relationship. That explains why i broke up with him but that wasn't the given answer i gave to him. You wouldn't want me to break his heart even though i guess i did. I would wish to elaborate more but i don't see the use of it. He's just a friend now.

Moving on...

I met a guy who was introduced by Amir and his name is Kurniawan. First impression of him; i was blown away with his talent. That gave me a deep deep pause. I'm trying to think rationally here but it's as if i've been taken away with his charming and sophisticated gesture as a man. I felt the good vibe that moment. The second time we met for our band practice, he's acting very unusual. He's all dressed up. Smelled good. Pretty quite shy but yet he tried. I don't know if he was trying to impress me with his appearance wise, somehow i would really wish he would know that i got blown away before with his talent indeed. Amir who's a close friend of mine observed and studied Kurniawan's behaviour. Though what he said to me was all based on the theory he researched and read on paper, naturally i would agree with what Amir told me. Just that, i'm a Canceranian and only believe to what i see and hear for myself. First hand experience; should i put it that way? The third meet up was very overwhelming. As if there were sparks fly when i sat chair to chair with him near to the piano. This time round, he wasn't really dressed perfectly because he was wearing plained white shirt and just a jean matched with slippers. Not the best but my temperature was burning hot. I think i was liking his presence. I guess. After the practice, i was left all alone by Amir and was then accompanied by Kurniawan for my late dinner at the Burger King. That place, that moment; i'm speechless for sure. Not just that i was with him but he's throwing questions that was indirecty pointing to me. I don't even know if what i said was worth to be said. I coud've gone wrong because i didn't put much of an effort to think. I just shoot it all out. That night, i will never forget how deep he left me thinking and smiling till the next few days. I guess i must have annoyed Amir for making him listen to my stories. What i see in Kurniawan is that, he's older than me. Matured could be the right word but just that i think he's hesitating to proceed to the next level. He's denying when i could really tell the answer. it's either he's going for me or not, i shall not put much of a hope yet. I've still got a long way to really get to know him. Oh how i wish i could share everything with Taufiq - because he's serving the nation.

Farhan. Taufiq's coursemate. Of which the three of us are of the same age. I didn't really pay any attention to him like how i did to Sofyan. I just felt like he comes and goes. His presence wasn't much of a notice. I can't remember how i fell for him but i think it would be his cheerful and joyous characteristic. This time, i'm not alone. Two girls are falling for him too. This is not a competition but i'm pretty aware that i'm jealous. For the fact that Udai though she's cheerful and spontaneous at times, she's always there wherever Farhan is. There was a time when i was tweeting with Farhan or even accompanied him to a supermarket, she's like this tiny bed bug that goes around sucking blood. My blood! She's a hell of a nerve wrecking girl. There are two possibilities. She likes Farhan and even knows that i like him too, so she's trying to stand in between of us. The other reason would be, she's doing this to protect Qanitah. It's sad but i'm always telling this to Matthew that i'm backing off. Even though i'm trying so hard to step out from that circle, it just consumes time. This sucks actually! About Farhan, he's kind. Gentleman indeed. Hilarious and protects the hearts of everyone. He knows when to condemn and advice. He has that fatherly figure that i like. I'm charmed with his attitude. He made me feel fear. That has been quite sometime I've ever felt it. He pushes my ego and i'm impressed. He may look silly but he's religious too. He's someone i'd like to be with. Yet again, i'm out of his league.

Taufiq, my best friend since we were secondary one. 8 years and counting. He's the first man to ever wait for me in 8 years and counting. Why didn't i pick him? Here's the story. We must have exchanged our thoughts and minds on this as much as i can tell. I can't remember how many times but this keeps going on and on. When he likes me, i don't. When he's in  a relationship, i do. When he goes back again, i'm numbed because after all the event and dates i've gone through, i didn't seem to give him a chance at all. With the thoughts that i fear of the relationship we had for quite a long time, i didn't want our friendship to turn out very sour if we ever did say yes to one another. Mother would have said that i'm always smiling when i talked about Taufiq. She seemed to like the idea of Taufiq being her son-in-law but i'll always rebel and choose to stick to what i believe. Taufiq is good but at times, i get irritated easily because of the way he presents himself forward to me. I'm frustrated with the way he communicates with me because i can't hear what he's saying. As if he was blabbering. He's not romantic if i should put it that way. He has never come up to me and say what he has to say. Mother always supports and defends him saying that not all guys are men because some are shy. I do believe every man can do it. It's a matter of effort or not. Basically i don't see much of an effort though he has put his effort of waiting for 8 years and counting.. His character is just so weird! I can never understand but he's a good listening ear. Advice wise, lets not talk about it.

As of now, i think i better focus on my plans. If destiny plays a part, i'll let Him guide me through this.