END OF MARCH

It's already the end of March.
Few things became complicated for me - from what i could tell.

I spot on to the arguments i had with Taufiq and they're mostly about our disagreement. Well mostly that i didn't agree with him - to the extent that i had always been living to such principle the entire of my independent days.

There are things that Taufiq and I still need to be opened up with but that depends if we wanted to. I understand that we still have a long way to go.

In our relationship, i felt that Taufiq had always been the one to give in to my stubbornness.

I know that i am a hot headed person and i think that i am always right when i know that sometimes i could be wrong - like a pinch of salt - but that doesn't mean that i will lower down my ego (it becomes a habit of which i am aware of it).

 

When i hear stories about other's relationship, i try to not become like any one of them - but like what Taufiq had always reminded me that there's nothing perfect in this world. Even so, there are things that we still struggle with.

I tried to put my faith first and tried to overcome every obstacles. It became harder than i thought but that didn't mean that i would give up this relationship over few things that i wasn't tough enough to handle with.

To those reading my blog and believed that i was venting out my frustration regarding my relationship - you're wrong!

Every each post that i made, it becomes my reflection.

DESTINY

Dear Kanda,

You were the first few whom had tried to court me but you were the only one whom had not given up!

I vividly remembered the first day of school and we had to play the "ice breaking game" - sort of like an introduction of ourselves to everyone. You were shy when it came to your turn. I didn't pay much attention to you because we all knew who was the eye candy in the class. I described you as the nerd (pretty naive and vain of me to call you a geek while i was one too) - frankly speaking we were ugly ducklings!

We grew up trying to stay in contact with one another. You wondered why i considered you to be part of my circle - that of which i'm not sure because i had always felt that i'm not allowed to leave you behind. It was like i couldn't afford to lose you!

I couldn't understand then but i now clearly understood why الله had set for me this path. I believed that he wanted me to believe the true meaning of Destiny. That of which i reminisced the day it was dated back in 2006 that i won the singing competition with a song called Destiny by Misha Omar (originally to sang Disney songs but CD broke into half).

To many times i had tried pushing you away so you could stop having hopes on me, but that didn't even bother you at all. Okay. Maybe you did. You'd say Ouch..

I watched you becoming the man i know you right now.

I saw you struggled through every relationships you had. Tough breakdowns and heartaches left marks on you but that didn't make you weak.

Dated back in 2015, we would use to lepak and even stayed up late nights going out for night-cycling or simply sharing stories before you started booking-in. The night after we met with Radin and Ader, you sent me home. Correct me if i'm wrong but i remembered the very first time i laid my head on your shoulder because i was exhausted from school activities during the day. I didn't think much about the actions or hopes that i was giving you. After all at that point, i regarded you as a best friend. Nothing more..

Ever since then we were constantly meeting up and going out. We didn't really expected it to be dates. You told me once that with your exes, you had never even gone on a date before it got really serious. It was like a suicidal attempt on those relationships you had. I found it to be hilarious but like they said - boys and girls do crazy things when they are "together".

So we got together on the 2nd August 2015 (#twoaug). A day after the last show of our musical that happened on the 1st August 2015.

The (Musical) you had attended twice however i was saddened by the fact that i couldn't attend your POP. All of which i am deeply thankful that you had never failed to be there for me. Just like the days when you fetched me from work or school or so - though you had booked out or booking-in a little bit later. You'd find excuses just to meet me.

I always wondered why you had never gotten so sick of me even no matter how numerous times i had been selfish but yet you could be so patient with me. And for that, you had stole my heart. Your patience was full of smiles. You had never once felt so frustrated neither scolded me furiously. It didn't matter if i was in the wrong but you had the tendency to take the blame for me even when i told you not to. If that was your nature, الله must have had wanted my partner to be the water to always cool me down.

I know myself well too enough and i am a hot headed and stubborn girl who doesn't like to kid around. I'm overly-confident and that i never give up!

Your presence what made me had to lower down my self-esteem and be neutral. You showed me the true meaning of love. Every courtship i went through yet my feelings were always being cheated with bogus promises but الله gave you to me and everything i became to live up to, changed.

إن شاء الله (In Sha allah) if our jodoh would last, i can't wait to tell this to our children.

Since 2007 and up till now, we have grown up so much. From becoming a young adult to an adult and now planning for our future, إن شاء الله for everything. 

You've been part of my wonderful journey so far. From the day we started high school together, till your breakups, becoming schoolmates in ITE, BMT to POP to STARLIGHT to MILESTONE PARADE and ORD. I am looking forward to what will await for you after March 3rd.

This is when reality and responsibility become part of your life. It's not a burden but a requirement. I will forever be your supportive person, i'll be the 3rd lady to constantly nag at you. I'll be someone you need but someone whom you shouldn't let go off because i love you.

Though at times it scares me a lot thinking about losing you, i prayed too much that i felt like it's beyond my capability anymore. I laid my hopes and trust on الله.

Your phase is coming and mine has yet to come in 2 years time. After that to execute our plan accurately, إن شاء الله.

بسم الله ص رحماني ص الرحيم

NOTHING HAS CHANGE

NOTHING HAS CHANGE..

The house still remain the same. Messy as it can be.

It's December and new year is this week.

Everyone is still fast asleep even after 10am.

Shoes and socks are still at their place.

We couldn't even be bothered that much because it's still the holiday.

HOLIDAYS ARE MEANT TO BE COUCHED POTATOES..

The house smells of Jabbie(s) - our small turtles - we haven't had the time to clean their waters yet.

No matter how many times i cleaned the house, i wiped and even became too obsessed with house deodorant just to make sure it stays clean but not for too long.. 

BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE CHANGE AND SO THE WORLD WILL BE..

New houses and probably new neighbours coming in by the mid of next year.

New places to discover and hopefully a place for me to start on my own.

Even my cat - Sahara - just got a new comfy striped cushion for her to have her usually nap(s) under the sink *insert smirk face*..

Off all the places, i don't quite understand why it has to be there.

THERE UNDER THE SINK!  

 

Remember that my last post was dated back in October.

Well there had been so many occurrence in my life and there were things that i didn't expect it to happen.

A friend broke a news to me that she's getting back with her ex-husband even after knowing what she had gone through before. I kept a poker face because i didn't know how to register the situation at that time.

I would conclude that i might be happy but yet disappointed. Whatever it is, i'm not that kind to stoop at someone and force to change their decisions just over my selfishness. 

DECEMBER CAME..

SOMEONE HAD HIS MILESTONE PARADE

We were very proud of him! #twoaug

LAST WEEK OF DECEMBER

Christmas came and it was finally time to say goodbye..

It was indeed a roller coaster ride working at Yong Wen Food(s) Pte Ltd.

Till the next time,

Hope to see some of you around..

September came..

September came and i had many things planned for this month.

Obviously every 2nd of the month, it's Twoaug's monthsary. It was optional for us to celebrate however this month was much special to us. I was not only celebrating our monthly-monthsary but September was Taufiq's birthday. 

Back in July, Taufiq had it all planned for that month. Of course it was my birthday. He brought us to the Universal Studio Singapore (USS). I had tons of fun being there with him although i didn't get to take the roller-coaster rides due to some circumstances.

So September came and i wanted to do something special for him again, compared to the previous year. Last year i was still in school and i didn't earn much to make the special surprises for him. So i thought this year would be wonderful. I tried putting plans to have his parents coordinated with me but that didn't happen this year. 

Instead i got a call from Taufiq saying that i had to make myself free in the evening. His parents wanted me to tag along. I knew something wasn't right - very fishy. I beat around the bush trying to get some answers out from Taufiq. I had my reasons to do so because my mind was going wild thinking the possibility of his parents coming to my house and having a 'meet-the-parent-session'. Yikes! Scary but anxious. Who wouldn't?

That evening, i found out the answers to my questions. Apparently it was a "surprise" that i got from Taufiq and his family that they were dining in at Seoul Garden. At least it was relieving to find out the fact that we were having a normal family dinner together. Over the table, we talked about things that Taufiq's father and i know about the 'kampung' lifestyle compared to Taufiq and his Mom. It was enjoying and i was hoping if someday we could all just go out and did memory lanes together. Fun way of getting to the family more better. I would definitely love it very much!

Back to where i was talking about trying to surprise Taufiq. 

Eventually i did try making some communication wise with his bestfriend and his camp mate (eventually he was my friend) but the result came out zero. Although his camp mate did try to make an attempt to come down but it was too late as i already had it all planned to bring him to the Night Safari.

I thought i could completely surprise him but then yet again, i wrecked my own plan because my mouth couldn't shut. I just had to ask Taufiq whether it would be worth the money to go to Gardens by the Bay, Night Safari or the Singapore Flyer. I really regretted for doing that. Sheesh!

It was really a tough decision but at least i made some reservation at the Mad Sailors Cafe. It was our second time going to a cafe. Just like last year, i brought him to the Rouze Cafe located at Little India but this time round, it was at Haji lane. A cafe that i had known while i was working because they were one of our customers. We had some talks about this anonymous guy making his orders - he was known for his accent and prices. Shall keep that confidential!

I could see that he had never been to cafe's before. He was acting very awkwardly every time we entered Cafes. The reason i brought him to such places was to have him experience what would it feels like to be in a foreign places and to be able to adapt to the people and the kind of atmosphere/ambiance. Some day i believed that we would travel the world and that he should understand how the society works.

He has to learn to be wiser and act maturely with his decisions.

Enough said about how he should be but i wanted him to understand that there were times he could play around and strictly be serious. In sha allah. I just want the best for him. I want the world to stop looking at him like he was just but a child. I want people to stop bullying him - let it be directly or otherwise. I really wished that he could see and understand what i'm feeling for him.

'When you're truly in love with someone, you want everything to be the best. You want the world to know that he could do his ultimate best and that he shouldn't be a disappointment to anyone'.

Apart from stressing him, i brought him to the Night Safari. It was our first time being there.

I never knew he would talk so much. The whole entire night with him, he was entertaining himself because i was just too busy admiring and had thoughts to myself on 'HOW IN THE WORLD DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM'. Although he might seemed childish and foolish at times, i couldn't underestimate that any guy would be childish at a point of his life. 

And how did we end our night?

We had supper at one of the nearest Indian coffee shop.

Welcome to the Mid-September...

BONDS

Happy Anniversary #Twoaug!

- 2 August -

Next year will mark a decade of knowing Taufiq since we were in high school. A year ago (2015), he asked me informally to be his girlfriend but i left him hanging since i was somehow slash somewhat disappointed in him - probably he could've asked earlier; made me waited for him to pop out the question (like what?!). 

Now - a year later, 'Anniversary' was supposed to be special however not for my case. I had been his best friend for almost a decade and being together with him makes no difference because after all those years, we had always been there for one another (i think so). The big differences were of being able to be emotionally and physically attached. You could say we had fun during our youthful days but with a little bit mixture of romance into adulthood, love really trapped us both. No worries if our anniversary celebration had to wait because having had to have a boyfriend whom currently serving his national service - by right as his girlfriend; i am also expected to be prepared for such turn of events. I'm glad that i fought such battle but this.. - NOT THE END. YET.

That's not the only battle Taufiq and i had to face. 

Now you see?

Apparently we are taking to the next level. Engagement? Yes but not too soon. We are trying to set up dates for the both of our families to meet up and have dinner together. Open some conversations so that it wouldn't get too awkward for any future gatherings. We don't wish to have just 'us' to get to know each other's family but we wish to see both of the families getting to know one another too. You can call it 'expanding'. So far, we have no problem and have not yet experience anything bad but in sha allah, hope everything will go smoothly.

Credits: Taufiq's Mom

Just about a week ago, Taufiq without asking for my permission he fetched me from work and brought me to meet his family for dinner. After dinner we went to have some recreation-family time together at Chevron; we played bowling. Honestly it was my first game. The last time i entered the bowling premises was when i was a little girl watching my pops playing with a group of his colleagues (perhaps) and all i knew was to watch intensely at the ball as it roll into the drain and comes back rolling out from the 'thing' (basically the machine).

Having had to try out after being insisted to give it a trial from Taufiq's family, without hesitation i changed my shoes and took the ball. First try was a failure but second to the third, it got way much more better. It was fun but i don't mind giving it another shot in the game.

I see myself smiling for the future.

In sha allah.

Bismillah..

Paranoia

Now i am officially done with school and i am jobless. 

8th March 2016 (Tuesday) was my last major exam. The moment i stepped out from the door of the examination hall, i told myself that that was the last time i would ever want to think about exams. Well hopefully i did well.

After weeks of stress, i finally managed to get myself out from the discomfort i had - too many things went on in my life. I had to deal with school projects, the kind of people involved in the group, my relationship with Taufiq and my family. The last few weeks of school, i had the worst 'health attack'. I had sudden pain to my stomach and my abdominal area. I had to endure so much pain that one of those days, i almost fell unconscious in the toilet. However i was glad that Shiva was around when i was in deep pain. I was given injection and soon after i recovered. Alhamdulillah!

I was physically recovering but i was still emotionally affected by the people around me. I prayed to Allah hoping that i could pull through all these tiresome obstacles. I was on a rough journey with Taufiq too. Since i was emotionally needed, Taufiq could barely spare some time for me due to his work (NS). So i began ranting and i was pretty quite upset with him but i constantly told myself that i shouldn't just blame on him. In fact i tried blaming myself the most because i felt as if i was being demanding and selfish. I did not intend to stress him down with all of my craps but i wasn't able to cope with what i was feeling. I just needed to let it all out and so i thought i did. 

Honestly i thought to myself that i could do this - being his girlfriend from the starting of his NS and up till now and so on and so forth. I thought it would be easy but it was more like a test. I apologized to him numerous times regarding my actions and demands. Whatever i did, i am very afraid of losing him but at the same time, at the back of my mind, a whisper kept reminding me frequently. 

"I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend to stress him down with all of my nags and finding out later that he complains to his mates in camp about how stressful he is. I know i have to set limits and look at the situation he is in. I don't want to be hearing stories from others about me for being such a reckless person. I'm afraid that if i ask for more, it's stressful for him and when i care less, it affects us more."

So taking in and giving away some, it was a win-win situation. Recently we managed to talk out and compromise with one another. Our main problem was, we missed each other very much. His schedules took too much time out from his relationship with his family and me. I would usually encourage him to spend more time with his family but he was very stubborn; up till now. That actually made me more stress because i wouldn't want his family to say that i was his priority - just not yet. So we had our ups and downs. A very rough and tough journey. I wondered if i would be able to cope through with the times he'd be off to Taiwan for at least a month later. Only God knows.

For me to get off of all this bad vibes off my chest, i would usually do hiking or go scouting at unknown places that i had never been before. It had always been very therapeutically for me. It releases the tension and the state of depression i was in. So i took Shiva, Maya, Syarul and Dharshini out on a hike from Hortpark to Henderson Waves and lastly Mount Faber. Unexpectedly on that very day, i had the worst pain again at my abdominal area. Yes. If you were thinking of what i was thinking, you are definitely right. Bad day to start off with though. That sucks big time!

It felt great coming back to these places. I really wished that Taufiq was around. We could have probably talked more and less photo taking though. 

The only time i had to guide the rest through the place and out to Harbour Front.

I was in pain and yes i was. 

All i had in mind was to think positive.

I found myself lost and i came to realize that i missed being the funny stupid kid who was used to be very juvenile, gullible in many ways but still stand up for her own belief. Things change and i had to be strong. I promised myself that i will. In shaa allah!