Wished you would know.

In between January and February this year, there were too many turns of events. One after another, issues and problems became my climax. I was mentally exhausted. I had issues at home. The environment at work was not very encouraging. School projects and exams had to be rushed. Graduation in less then two months to go. Everything seemed speeding along my timeline. I could get very frustrated if i couldn't get the jobs done. All came jumbling up my plans.

I tried talking out my situation with Kanda and Sheebaae. I felt more relieved however that didn't settle what i was facing through. I ended seeking guidance from Allah S.W.T. I prayed 5 times a day. Alhamdulilah - although i didn't get the answer i wanted yet, i felt more at ease and peace was what i needed. It had been a very very long time since i last sujud to him. I went looking for answers because i felt very empty even when i did my prayers. I came upon an article in which it stated that i had left far behind his light so in order for me to get back to where i was supposed to be, all i needed to do was to repent. Seek guidance and show what was needed to get myself back on track.

I was told not to be complacent and be responsible for my own duty as a Muslim woman however i kept failing again and again but that didn't stop me from praying to him. I had always asked for a good Jodoh so he whom would marry me, be able to guide me down Allah's path again. I wanted him to help me bring us together to Syurga. Not that i was lazing around hoping that someone would come up to me to say that they're my jodoh. Allah had always wanted us to work for it if we wanted it to happen.

Second week of February and i was being told to reflect on myself because they concluded that i had drifted too far from the kind of person i had used to be before. I was still lost and very confused. Days went on as usual and i still couldn't figure it out. I thought all those times i had always been myself but never knew it could be so wrong. I had always questioned myself. Why did i have to fight for my feelings. People saw my true emotions as a bogus slash dramatic. If i had to put it another way, i would have been different and what you would see would not be me - and to them, it was the right way of being realistic and how i was supposed to be.

I was sad.