BUCKET OF HOPES

What's in for the first week of 2017?

I had been staying at home and spending most of the time with my family;
and it's already Friday today.

Three more days to go till i am ready for work and fun. Hopefully..

Just yesterday i attended my practical pretty quite late because i was very annoyed with the computer system for not being able to tally slash be the same just like in the booklet. It was supposed to be easy-peasy!

Right after school, i called up Taufiq to check on him about his situation - because his grandma was at her losing end. Her children had made their decisions to pull out her oxygen tube and the rest would be on observation. I prayed that everything would go well for her.

I was told that she had a brain damaged - of which i am not very sure how it got triggered from doing something normal unless there had been some major fall. I'm not making any speculations or accusations but whatever happened lately, it got me reminded of my past. This is just the first week of 2017 and Allah must have had wanted me to remind myself of the days that i lost someone that i had always cherished for.

She was my great-grandma.

Her name was Apsah.

Her death anniversary; every 10th April.

I'm guessing that that was the crucial day that my grandpa and his siblings had to make a tough decision. As i am typing down, i'm reminding myself of the lonely days i had to go through at the age of 11+. Hari Raya hadn't been the same anymore every since then..

I vividly remembered that one of those days i came back from school feeling so happy and excited. I opened up the house gate and i thought that i saw my Mom crying. I wondered why so i asked. Later that day, the whole entire day changed drastically for me. I couldn't register and i was at my disbelief. Was what my Mom said to me could be true? So i thought to myself in dismay but i had already burst out crying so much that my eyes hurt. I couldn't stop wiping those tears away.

I changed my uniforms to house clothes and was waiting patiently for my grandparents. Then i remembered taking the taxi heading to the hospital. I cried and cried! The Uncle who drove us to the hospital had asked my grandma, why was i crying?

Nenek (Grandma) - said that i was very close with my great-grandmother. After finding out that she (great-grandma) was in a critical condition, i hadn't stop crying ever since the news got to me. Nenek was trying to coax me as much as she could. Atuk(Grandpa) - Sat quietly at the corner of the taxi seat. He seemed relax but yet something must have had gone through his mind. After all, we were rushing to visit his sick mother.

Upon reaching there, i was still crying. I hated the part where the thoughts of death kept playing in my mind. The thoughts of losing someone dearest to you and thinking of the times if they weren't there anymore because the feeling wouldn't be the same at all.

And the last time i saw her was when Great-grandma had all the tubes inserted in her and wires attached everywhere onto her. She couldn't speak. As i came closer to her and spoke to her while crying, her tears running down from the sides of her eyes, i knew she could listen but i guessed that she was hurting.

After her passing, it was the only time i had ever felt so lost and empty.

Today even after the passing of Taufiq's paternal grandma, i had reflections and that i didn't stop. I was more concerned about my love ones.

Then my thoughts would run wild about what if i were gone..

I'm pretty sure, death had never been a joke.
A death had always been about realizing that you had been blinded for too long.
It's like taking a toll.

...

Think about it..