END OF MARCH

It's already the end of March.
Few things became complicated for me - from what i could tell.

I spot on to the arguments i had with Taufiq and they're mostly about our disagreement. Well mostly that i didn't agree with him - to the extent that i had always been living to such principle the entire of my independent days.

There are things that Taufiq and I still need to be opened up with but that depends if we wanted to. I understand that we still have a long way to go.

In our relationship, i felt that Taufiq had always been the one to give in to my stubbornness.

I know that i am a hot headed person and i think that i am always right when i know that sometimes i could be wrong - like a pinch of salt - but that doesn't mean that i will lower down my ego (it becomes a habit of which i am aware of it).

 

When i hear stories about other's relationship, i try to not become like any one of them - but like what Taufiq had always reminded me that there's nothing perfect in this world. Even so, there are things that we still struggle with.

I tried to put my faith first and tried to overcome every obstacles. It became harder than i thought but that didn't mean that i would give up this relationship over few things that i wasn't tough enough to handle with.

To those reading my blog and believed that i was venting out my frustration regarding my relationship - you're wrong!

Every each post that i made, it becomes my reflection.

Paranoia

Now i am officially done with school and i am jobless. 

8th March 2016 (Tuesday) was my last major exam. The moment i stepped out from the door of the examination hall, i told myself that that was the last time i would ever want to think about exams. Well hopefully i did well.

After weeks of stress, i finally managed to get myself out from the discomfort i had - too many things went on in my life. I had to deal with school projects, the kind of people involved in the group, my relationship with Taufiq and my family. The last few weeks of school, i had the worst 'health attack'. I had sudden pain to my stomach and my abdominal area. I had to endure so much pain that one of those days, i almost fell unconscious in the toilet. However i was glad that Shiva was around when i was in deep pain. I was given injection and soon after i recovered. Alhamdulillah!

I was physically recovering but i was still emotionally affected by the people around me. I prayed to Allah hoping that i could pull through all these tiresome obstacles. I was on a rough journey with Taufiq too. Since i was emotionally needed, Taufiq could barely spare some time for me due to his work (NS). So i began ranting and i was pretty quite upset with him but i constantly told myself that i shouldn't just blame on him. In fact i tried blaming myself the most because i felt as if i was being demanding and selfish. I did not intend to stress him down with all of my craps but i wasn't able to cope with what i was feeling. I just needed to let it all out and so i thought i did. 

Honestly i thought to myself that i could do this - being his girlfriend from the starting of his NS and up till now and so on and so forth. I thought it would be easy but it was more like a test. I apologized to him numerous times regarding my actions and demands. Whatever i did, i am very afraid of losing him but at the same time, at the back of my mind, a whisper kept reminding me frequently. 

"I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend to stress him down with all of my nags and finding out later that he complains to his mates in camp about how stressful he is. I know i have to set limits and look at the situation he is in. I don't want to be hearing stories from others about me for being such a reckless person. I'm afraid that if i ask for more, it's stressful for him and when i care less, it affects us more."

So taking in and giving away some, it was a win-win situation. Recently we managed to talk out and compromise with one another. Our main problem was, we missed each other very much. His schedules took too much time out from his relationship with his family and me. I would usually encourage him to spend more time with his family but he was very stubborn; up till now. That actually made me more stress because i wouldn't want his family to say that i was his priority - just not yet. So we had our ups and downs. A very rough and tough journey. I wondered if i would be able to cope through with the times he'd be off to Taiwan for at least a month later. Only God knows.

For me to get off of all this bad vibes off my chest, i would usually do hiking or go scouting at unknown places that i had never been before. It had always been very therapeutically for me. It releases the tension and the state of depression i was in. So i took Shiva, Maya, Syarul and Dharshini out on a hike from Hortpark to Henderson Waves and lastly Mount Faber. Unexpectedly on that very day, i had the worst pain again at my abdominal area. Yes. If you were thinking of what i was thinking, you are definitely right. Bad day to start off with though. That sucks big time!

It felt great coming back to these places. I really wished that Taufiq was around. We could have probably talked more and less photo taking though. 

The only time i had to guide the rest through the place and out to Harbour Front.

I was in pain and yes i was. 

All i had in mind was to think positive.

I found myself lost and i came to realize that i missed being the funny stupid kid who was used to be very juvenile, gullible in many ways but still stand up for her own belief. Things change and i had to be strong. I promised myself that i will. In shaa allah!

TRAVLOG 3 | Xi'an, China

TRAVLOG (Travel Video Blog) 3:

Finally my friend came down and we did some discussions on our plan for the trip. We split the days into parts. Example of the first few days, we will be going to the Terracotta Army. Since we are left with another 6 more months to go, we are still left with few more stuff to be done. I hope that everything will go well for Zafirah. After she comes back from Umrah, we will be meeting up soon to book the flight tickets together. I guess less than 2 months, we need to start doing our shopping! 

Stained

Rough times, rough weeks.

So it had been tough for me, trying to mend my relationship with the people i love the most. People's trust. People's belief in me. Because i didn't want to ruin all that. I wanted people to look up to me when they're in need because it makes me feel good about it. However it's another painstaking for me - like a sacrificial. You'll never know if that someone had taken advantage of you.

For the past few days, there had been turn of events. I was lost with no directions again. I felt so afraid. I wasn't so sure of the path that was leading me to. I didn't know what was right and wrong anymore. Till that very night, when i had a very serious conversation with my parents. That got me thinking very hard.

I wasn't feeling very rebellious when they talked their thoughts out because i knew that i was partially at fault too. Allah knows how much mistakes i must have had done. Just that i rebelled their words when they started talking about the difference between the past and now. I 'geddit'.

The next day mom got admitted to the hospital but was treated outpatient after that. I could not stop thinking of the things i had done to cause me so much guiltiness and the trust my mom had put on me. I promised myself that i didn't mind staying alone forever to make up to my worst. I felt so ashamed of my own doings. I really did regret it so much. It still lingers around my mind. It had stained too much.

Furthermore i was worried of what would happened if something went wrong. I was not prepared for any of these.

Adapting

Internship; I am adapting to the people and the environment of the workplace. It has been quite tough going through those few weeks when i first started my internship. I didn't know what kind of people i'll meet and make friends with. What kind of customers i'll have to attend to?

So to let you know, i had been working under retail sector for as long as i could remember but i had stayed with the same company before for 5 years. The first few weeks it was all about getting to know the products. Then the people i'm working with. I gave myself the least of 3 months to stay and try to get to know one another. I knew it wouldn't be easy but i stayed positive. Up till now, i still am!

I'm still trying to gain people's trust. The most crucial part when being at work; it's all about teamwork. Without trust, no teamwork and no joking around. I could never work in a place with limited laughter. It'll be so stressful!

I'm one of the youngest among the rest. Majority were ladies aged 30 and above. Imagine having had to understand and give in out of respect. But in a workplace, justice plays a part. There's always limitation to everything. 

So far i had seen and had been the first witness to experience an argument happened right before my eyes. That was due to miscommunication, stress and unhappiness relayed, giving out that most tension kind of vibe. 

Being a middleman; it was never easy. It's good to hear both sides of the story and being such a busybody trying to dig more gold out of it. However it depends on one if he knows how to justify the problem and not add oil to the fire. Unless it was being planned from the beginning that it was up to his advantage that he wanted to be the middleman to start a ruckus out of two parties. As if he was the Satan. 

I don't understand how two parties that were so close and we shared laughter so much would end up being sour towards each other. When one brought happiness to another, it seemed as if his good deeds weren't appreciated and that his presence was forgotten. When the other seemed happy and tried to return the favour back, it just didn't seemed satisfying at all. 

So being in a middle man, having both to be my friends - i could not be on both sides. If i did, one would not be happy. The worst thing about trying to solve the problem, did anyone of them truly show any sympathy towards how i felt? I don't know. There must had been some miscommunication. I believed both parties were stressed out; especially when they're involved with projects and getting sleeps late at night, sometimes in the very morning. Having had that kind of stress undergoing in them, it's really intriguing. In fact it built up the negativity. It suddenly became jealousy. Annoyance. Frustration. 

One word to make everything seemed better; Adapt.

If one could not take his sensitivity; adapt. If one could not look at one being happy; adapt.

So think again if you would like to help people by being the middle man. Have good intention? Go on but never give up. Have faith that someday they'll be friends again. You just need patience. 

After all i still do care for the both of them then yet again, someone had reminded me of a two-faced friend. Forgiven?

Well.. what do you think?