PRESSURE

I haven't been posting quite lately - because my laptop had been conquered by both of my parents (constant access to the internet to watch their Korean & CSI series) - damn that feeling!

I'll just go straight to the point.

I had been having serious conversation with Taufiq and this actually concerned our future together. I had been planning for a simple one compared to his usual assumption without having to put much of a consideration. Eventually that pissed me off and having had to settle the issue, i decided to not pay much attention on it and instead i planned the people around me with certain designation.

I came to a decision where my youngest aunt will don my makeup and a few of them to do my henna while the rest of the family will become the obstacles for the groom. Well that was partially my plan and talking about catering and stuff - still got a long way to go!

However the crucial part is the money $$ - i had not save any yet!

Yikes! (but that's the truth - for now)

I am currently struggling with the income i earned out from my part time job and definitely my school that just started its new semester yesterday (Monday, 17th April).

I've been trying to convince Taufiq that i needn't need a very expensive slash grand wedding because i'm more worried for what comes after that!

We haven't got to talk about our dream house yet (that's the most important thing).

I may deny the fact that i'm not trying to put pressure on him but the truth is that - living in Singapore has always been trying to survive with or without money. Everything's rising and this is too much to take it for us. Urgh!

I clearly could see that Taufiq had been trying to earn more with his part time job while waiting for his license to be released - of which he's not liking very much of the boss and how he manages with his manpower. I know. I understand but i can't help much instead trying to give him some advice.

It's finally time for him to learn the importance of being independent and how crucial it is for him to be able to get along with the co-workers. Simple as saying that he has got to take in changes.

While on my side, i've been thinking of trying to apply a managerial post after my diploma course that ends in less than 1 year and 10 months..

I'd like to try something new instead of being in the customer service line. That sucks big time!

P R E S S U R E !

PROMISES

Promise - 

verb,

(assure someone that one will definitely do something or that something will happen.)

I've been through tough times and those of which that i faced were friends. There were some who stood still for me and protected me in many ways. Some had left and gone by the wind. Not a news about them came by. Still i waited for the good old days and i had always hold on to the past. Reminiscing younger days and flashback to the times i made mistakes. I didn't wish that i could turn back time because if it hadn't been for the past or even the so-called promises with people, i wouldn't be here strongly believing that i am better off without them.

I created my own path and my own decisions. I worked on my own two feet and all the strength that i had to continue pushing myself up and forward. I had been independent and every broken pieces i had, i mended it on my own. I couldn't glue back the tiny shattered pieces that were left of me. I took no chances at all but for every time when i tried fixing this 'piece of me', it came crumbling down again..

So there was a period of me being endlessly tired about the fact that my life hadn't been perfect!

I was indeed brokenhearted.

I was brokenhearted not duly to the imperfection of my life instead i was saddened and disappointed of the promises my friends made with me.

At that time and till to this day, i had always thought about it - with regards to my behaviour and attitude - had i been so selfish or arrogant about something and that we had faded away slowly and some that i drew immediate lines between us?

I questioned myself endlessly!

Even to this day - the only person that i had always shared about my problems had always been with Taufiq. I guessed he's not the only person whom i vented at - there are others and who's faithfully and honestly had always been there for me through tough times - my listening ears.

END OF MARCH

It's already the end of March.
Few things became complicated for me - from what i could tell.

I spot on to the arguments i had with Taufiq and they're mostly about our disagreement. Well mostly that i didn't agree with him - to the extent that i had always been living to such principle the entire of my independent days.

There are things that Taufiq and I still need to be opened up with but that depends if we wanted to. I understand that we still have a long way to go.

In our relationship, i felt that Taufiq had always been the one to give in to my stubbornness.

I know that i am a hot headed person and i think that i am always right when i know that sometimes i could be wrong - like a pinch of salt - but that doesn't mean that i will lower down my ego (it becomes a habit of which i am aware of it).

 

When i hear stories about other's relationship, i try to not become like any one of them - but like what Taufiq had always reminded me that there's nothing perfect in this world. Even so, there are things that we still struggle with.

I tried to put my faith first and tried to overcome every obstacles. It became harder than i thought but that didn't mean that i would give up this relationship over few things that i wasn't tough enough to handle with.

To those reading my blog and believed that i was venting out my frustration regarding my relationship - you're wrong!

Every each post that i made, it becomes my reflection.

DESTINY

Dear Kanda,

You were the first few whom had tried to court me but you were the only one whom had not given up!

I vividly remembered the first day of school and we had to play the "ice breaking game" - sort of like an introduction of ourselves to everyone. You were shy when it came to your turn. I didn't pay much attention to you because we all knew who was the eye candy in the class. I described you as the nerd (pretty naive and vain of me to call you a geek while i was one too) - frankly speaking we were ugly ducklings!

We grew up trying to stay in contact with one another. You wondered why i considered you to be part of my circle - that of which i'm not sure because i had always felt that i'm not allowed to leave you behind. It was like i couldn't afford to lose you!

I couldn't understand then but i now clearly understood why الله had set for me this path. I believed that he wanted me to believe the true meaning of Destiny. That of which i reminisced the day it was dated back in 2006 that i won the singing competition with a song called Destiny by Misha Omar (originally to sang Disney songs but CD broke into half).

To many times i had tried pushing you away so you could stop having hopes on me, but that didn't even bother you at all. Okay. Maybe you did. You'd say Ouch..

I watched you becoming the man i know you right now.

I saw you struggled through every relationships you had. Tough breakdowns and heartaches left marks on you but that didn't make you weak.

Dated back in 2015, we would use to lepak and even stayed up late nights going out for night-cycling or simply sharing stories before you started booking-in. The night after we met with Radin and Ader, you sent me home. Correct me if i'm wrong but i remembered the very first time i laid my head on your shoulder because i was exhausted from school activities during the day. I didn't think much about the actions or hopes that i was giving you. After all at that point, i regarded you as a best friend. Nothing more..

Ever since then we were constantly meeting up and going out. We didn't really expected it to be dates. You told me once that with your exes, you had never even gone on a date before it got really serious. It was like a suicidal attempt on those relationships you had. I found it to be hilarious but like they said - boys and girls do crazy things when they are "together".

So we got together on the 2nd August 2015 (#twoaug). A day after the last show of our musical that happened on the 1st August 2015.

The (Musical) you had attended twice however i was saddened by the fact that i couldn't attend your POP. All of which i am deeply thankful that you had never failed to be there for me. Just like the days when you fetched me from work or school or so - though you had booked out or booking-in a little bit later. You'd find excuses just to meet me.

I always wondered why you had never gotten so sick of me even no matter how numerous times i had been selfish but yet you could be so patient with me. And for that, you had stole my heart. Your patience was full of smiles. You had never once felt so frustrated neither scolded me furiously. It didn't matter if i was in the wrong but you had the tendency to take the blame for me even when i told you not to. If that was your nature, الله must have had wanted my partner to be the water to always cool me down.

I know myself well too enough and i am a hot headed and stubborn girl who doesn't like to kid around. I'm overly-confident and that i never give up!

Your presence what made me had to lower down my self-esteem and be neutral. You showed me the true meaning of love. Every courtship i went through yet my feelings were always being cheated with bogus promises but الله gave you to me and everything i became to live up to, changed.

إن شاء الله (In Sha allah) if our jodoh would last, i can't wait to tell this to our children.

Since 2007 and up till now, we have grown up so much. From becoming a young adult to an adult and now planning for our future, إن شاء الله for everything. 

You've been part of my wonderful journey so far. From the day we started high school together, till your breakups, becoming schoolmates in ITE, BMT to POP to STARLIGHT to MILESTONE PARADE and ORD. I am looking forward to what will await for you after March 3rd.

This is when reality and responsibility become part of your life. It's not a burden but a requirement. I will forever be your supportive person, i'll be the 3rd lady to constantly nag at you. I'll be someone you need but someone whom you shouldn't let go off because i love you.

Though at times it scares me a lot thinking about losing you, i prayed too much that i felt like it's beyond my capability anymore. I laid my hopes and trust on الله.

Your phase is coming and mine has yet to come in 2 years time. After that to execute our plan accurately, إن شاء الله.

بسم الله ص رحماني ص الرحيم

LOST IN FEBRUARY

Welcome to February!

2nd week;
6th: IPC (Inventory Management Module) - Last test
8th: FOL (Fundamental of Logistics) - Presentation
9th: WMH (Warehousing and Material Handling) - Test*

3rd week;
12th: Ikha's Birthday // Family Celebration (Feb Babies Birthday) // Shopping with Kanda
14th-15th: Study Week
18th: Pops' Birthday // Food Hygiene Course

4th week;
20th-24th: Off Days in preparation for exams
25th: First aid Course

26th: Hidayah's Big Day!

I am definitely lost in February.
I don't even know where to begin with!

Seems to me that i've been stressing out a lot on my exams and test as well as the presentation.
Work so far has been good - manageable but wait till complaints and feedbacks come in. Unfair but it's part of the job! *Just keep smiling #positive*

The part time job as a Life Coach; i've met good and funny people. They've been good and that's what i like the most. Compared to my previous job, i guess i'm not really into office kind of stuff - it hasn't been part of my "tai-chi" (favourite/taste). It feels so stuck up! Especially you just gotta' watch over your sayings. Pfft! Can't even show more of what i have in me. I couldn't be free.

Lucky enough my aunt offered me a job as a Life Coach. Loving what i'm doing now!

Got myself a part time job and a part time course (school).

I am beginning to love and starting to like what i'm doing but what pressure me is when my mom starts talking about marriage with me. 2 years and counting down, i'm not even engaged to Taufiq yet. Next month will be his last month of serving his national service after 2 years. He hasn't gotten himself a confirmed job yet! Let alone treating his family to a feast.

I am certainly worried but so long as the both of us are ready and prepared for the long run together, we will definitely take it to another whole new level. After all, my Mom has always emphasize to me about the responsibility after marriage and most importantly the test of fidelity and strength. However not just right now. We don't feel like it's the right time; not just yet!

Someday - in sha allah!

BUCKET OF HOPES

What's in for the first week of 2017?

I had been staying at home and spending most of the time with my family;
and it's already Friday today.

Three more days to go till i am ready for work and fun. Hopefully..

Just yesterday i attended my practical pretty quite late because i was very annoyed with the computer system for not being able to tally slash be the same just like in the booklet. It was supposed to be easy-peasy!

Right after school, i called up Taufiq to check on him about his situation - because his grandma was at her losing end. Her children had made their decisions to pull out her oxygen tube and the rest would be on observation. I prayed that everything would go well for her.

I was told that she had a brain damaged - of which i am not very sure how it got triggered from doing something normal unless there had been some major fall. I'm not making any speculations or accusations but whatever happened lately, it got me reminded of my past. This is just the first week of 2017 and Allah must have had wanted me to remind myself of the days that i lost someone that i had always cherished for.

She was my great-grandma.

Her name was Apsah.

Her death anniversary; every 10th April.

I'm guessing that that was the crucial day that my grandpa and his siblings had to make a tough decision. As i am typing down, i'm reminding myself of the lonely days i had to go through at the age of 11+. Hari Raya hadn't been the same anymore every since then..

I vividly remembered that one of those days i came back from school feeling so happy and excited. I opened up the house gate and i thought that i saw my Mom crying. I wondered why so i asked. Later that day, the whole entire day changed drastically for me. I couldn't register and i was at my disbelief. Was what my Mom said to me could be true? So i thought to myself in dismay but i had already burst out crying so much that my eyes hurt. I couldn't stop wiping those tears away.

I changed my uniforms to house clothes and was waiting patiently for my grandparents. Then i remembered taking the taxi heading to the hospital. I cried and cried! The Uncle who drove us to the hospital had asked my grandma, why was i crying?

Nenek (Grandma) - said that i was very close with my great-grandmother. After finding out that she (great-grandma) was in a critical condition, i hadn't stop crying ever since the news got to me. Nenek was trying to coax me as much as she could. Atuk(Grandpa) - Sat quietly at the corner of the taxi seat. He seemed relax but yet something must have had gone through his mind. After all, we were rushing to visit his sick mother.

Upon reaching there, i was still crying. I hated the part where the thoughts of death kept playing in my mind. The thoughts of losing someone dearest to you and thinking of the times if they weren't there anymore because the feeling wouldn't be the same at all.

And the last time i saw her was when Great-grandma had all the tubes inserted in her and wires attached everywhere onto her. She couldn't speak. As i came closer to her and spoke to her while crying, her tears running down from the sides of her eyes, i knew she could listen but i guessed that she was hurting.

After her passing, it was the only time i had ever felt so lost and empty.

Today even after the passing of Taufiq's paternal grandma, i had reflections and that i didn't stop. I was more concerned about my love ones.

Then my thoughts would run wild about what if i were gone..

I'm pretty sure, death had never been a joke.
A death had always been about realizing that you had been blinded for too long.
It's like taking a toll.

...

Think about it..

ONWARD TO 2017

I got a new job - realizing after the interview that i'm joining the QSF The Enablers (before this was known as QS First) again. Somewhere back in 2008/2009, i was given a job offer by my aunt. I worked as a surveryor of which i called up outpatients on the phones regarding the services and facilities of the hospital. At that time i was engaging with outpatients mostly from Malaysia.

- And yes! Never knew some calls i did, i had to entertain some stupid poeple on the phone.

Today not only marks a new phase of my life but 2016 had been a roller coaster ride for me. I met so many temporary people and of which my 2 years of friendship with my classmate had goned to the drain and there wasn't anything to pursue in it anymore.

2016 taught me a lot about the importance of fighting for what you believe in! I gotta' say that, we all had decisions that would not promise us for tomorrow - best extend to Kim Russo (Psychic; Medium)

School started in Mid-Oct. First few lessons were okay but it got a little bit troublesome for some of us when it came to group work and some assignments that needed to be done. No kidding! We all got work and schooling part time - a new challenge for me because all those years i'm used to schooling in the morning and working part time in the night.

When i was working in Yong Wen;

There were so many things that i needed to get used to - and most of the changes that happened most of the time would be at work. Their constant changing of policies and expecting more from our department. It was stressful..

But i'm always thankful for having someone like Taufiq to listen to my endless complaints and rants and vice versa i did with him - but i'm not always listening to him as i'm always admiring him; MOST OF THE TIME.

Everyday we would always text one another about work and our lives - it didn't matter where we were at but so long as we shared regarding our lives events, it felt rewarding to have shared stories with one another.

I came to understand that loving someone was not just about caring or putting so much love for him. Sometimes curiosity kills the cat.

And just recently, it had been about a week that i had constantly preassurized him to the core. I didn't know what had gotten into me but i was pretty sure that all i wanted was 100% attention. That insecure feelings were killing me at the edge of my patience. ZERO TOLERANCE!

But it became too pricey for me to continue sulking and demanding things that i shouldn't. I had never been that obsessed with him like that before. However all is well. Alhamdulilah!

So it had been few days since i last resigned from the previous job.

I would begin thinking about my Pops. Wondered if he was doing all fined at work. Times - when he has to go for his lunch - he had the tendency to skip his meal. Sometimes when i had more on my side, i would make sure that he had some of what i had.

Now that i'm no longer working there anymore, i felt more concerned than ever before. 

I vividly remember those days when i met with the accident along the crossroad junction. Pops sprint and in a split second, he was there - right behind me. Ever since i started work with Pops, i learnt that the earnest thing that every fathers would do had always been about sacrificial and determination. That was what i believed in every fathers - their core value - their strength.

Pray the best of 2017 for me that i would do better and be adapted to the new environment and new field that i had applied for. Starting to feel stiffed about this new job..

In sya allah!